Goodbye, 2013

It's so hard to say goodbye to 2013, my year of Maggie.  My year with Maggie. I got pregnant in January and she died and was born in late September.  The remainder of 2013 has been defined by my grief and sadness.

Rationally I know the date on the calendar means nothing. Maggie is dead and my relationship with her continues just as it did yesterday. I have been full of somewhat unexpected grief today, though.  I woke with my grief sitting heavy on my chest in a physical way I haven't felt in a while.  Although I got up and got the kids out and about, I could feel it weighing on me and cried when I was by myself.  I did go out for our New Year's Eve plans.  It was a nice time with family, but after celebrating East Coast New Year (we live in CA), I was ready to go home and to bed.

After getting home, I was restless and unable to sleep.  So here I am.  Blogging about my grief for my beloved daughter, with me for 39 weeks.  Gone for 14.  It still staggers me that she is not here, that my loss is not a dream, that this happened to me.  To her.

After thinking about this year and the terribleness of the loss, I wanted to end it thinking of memories of times I spent with Maggie in utero that were happy. The big moments were:

- my solo trip (not knowing I was pg) to NYC to co-host my little sister's baby shower and to Philadelphia to visit my grandmother;
- a week later, taking the pregnancy test and trying to wait to surprise my husband with the news, but him guessing it without my saying it;
- our trip to the Big Island in March, where we had wonderful meals I couldn't completely enjoy because of my all-day morning sickness;
-  the bachelorette party I went to in Palm Springs the following weekend, where I drank virgin margaritas because I wasn't telling anyone but my husband and my hotel roommates;
- the work retreat in San Diego;
- our trip to the Santa Barbara wine country for my good friend's wedding, when, thankfully, the news was out;
- my husband's family's family vacation, where I was huge and his sisters and I ran through all the possible name choices (we didn't decide on Margaret/Maggie until the end of my pregnancy and didn't tell people early anyway but Maggie got everyone's approval that trip);
- our trip to NYC for my nephew's baptism;
- our trip to Disneyland to celebrate our eldest's birthday; and
- all of the scans of her healthy and living.

I miss my sweet baby so much.  How I wish she was here and how I hate feeling like time is separating us.  I hope 2014 brings my family (and yours, BLMs) peace and some happiness.